this too.

this has also become my song of the year. Lord may you seriously have mercy on my rough and rowdy ways...

2012

i missed a month didn't i? sorry december, you were too busy, too chaotic, and i was obviously too lazy.

i thought about writing down some "new year's resolutions" but... i may just reflect.
2011 was a ridiculous year. i lived in three houses, had two jobs, and did lots of stupid things. i do not regret any of it. some of them were stupid, idiotic things and situations that should have been avoided but happened anyway or i did nothing to prevent them. but i learned something all the more.
i have been focusing on protecting my heart throughout the entire year actually because i realized that it was actually deeply hurt from one relationship. i learned that not everyone i 'date' should i be open and honest with–actually all people in general. i am learner to be safer, but take risks when i know it's right. i ask God everyday if this is what i am suppose to be doing with my life and pray he responds with a yes. when he doesn't respond... i seek the world. which is awful. i pray in 2012 that when he doesn't respond, i ask again.
i pray i am kinder. and more truthful. that i treat my best friends like they are kings and queens and everyone i meet as they are children of God. that i pour the love of Jesus onto people;into every situation. at work. at church. in my house. that i would glorify the Lord with my whole heart, mind, and soul.

and that i would encourage others to do the same. it would be nice to be a great influence in someone's life with Jesus. in them getting there. and being able to set an example of what God desires us to be–in His image! i could scream that all day. we are in His image, we are in His image!

the last few months of holiday period have been filled with a lot of hurt, and disaster, and just... not joyful things. i pray i can see the joy in everything, especially in the most difficult of times. that i see God's light through the darkness (as cliche as that may sound). that i can just seriously be drenched in God's love and glory and mercy that he continually puts on us.
may we all see God's light and follow his son.

Thank you Jesus, for showing me that even though I suck every single day, and continue to fail your Father, that you still love me. That you still treat me as a sister and daughter. That you continue to bless my life more than I ever deserve and could have ever imagined. Help me to love you more each day and yearn for knowledge through your Word.

time.

time could be an issue. but so could five years.

one of my favorite people told me this evening that they would marry in five years. she then gave me a 'shiiiit' look and said "That's a long time!"
before gracing me with this fact, she laid a disclaimer than is was neither her nor God, nor was it neither. it was a simple feeling. whether she liked it or not, she felt that five years would be the time.
i am encouraged by her confidence. that she would persevere even if everyone surrounding her married, and that she would not feel rushed. her time would be valued in a single, god loving way.

it is interestingly awful that we feel rushed. but we do. regardless we grew up a littler faster than most, but when did the generational change occur where getting married before 21 was just what happened? when did 30 become old? (not saying that it is...)
CLARIFICATION--i would never, my goodness, never bash couples getting married before 21. many of my best friends are in that boat or have been married already. and they are truly fantastic. they should be married. when the time is right, the couple knows, and their time was early :)
i do hope it is not because they are rushed though. or pressured. i get nervous if that is the case.

enough of that.

Lord- thank you for patience, perseverance, and being able to listen. thank you for listening to us as well, even when we have no idea what we are talking about- which is most often.

heated.

Lord–
i am mad. heated. upset. in rage. grr.
and i do not want to be!

I do apologize for yelling in the car. and letting awful things off my tongue. but you understand... right?
that i am not okay. my heart hurts. i may have been a hurter and now mine hurts.

i feel like a movie– the daughter yelling at her protector: "What are you going to do about it!?!"
what are you going to do to heal my heart. what are you going to do to make it easier. what are you going to do to help me forgive.

what am i going to do about it.

wives to your husbands

last night when i drove home i thought about my future husband. i pray and hope and wish that whoever he may be with now, or whatever he is doing with his life, is preparing him for marriage. and i pray the same for myself.

i also realized i need to send out an apology. an apology to those men that i have not prepared well for their future marriages. some haven't helped their situation, but others... they deserved better. to be prepped for their future and their wife.

wives- i am sorry. although i may never meet any of you, i apologize that i did not treat your husbands as brothers and prepare them for your love and marriage. i pray that you are treating your current men as brothers and praying for their wives as well.

forgiveness is key.

back to you.

for some reason i am being extremely 'faithless'. in many thing! it truly sounds quite awful as i type it now... but i am encouraging myself in that i can continue on, gain my faith back, and pursue the life that God has for me.
i had felt so secure and content in where i was and now it is almost being ripped for my feet this week.
a slight preface- i am living in an amazing house, with amazing roommates, found an amazing car, and still working in my amazing spa, and will be starting amazing school in January.
but for a reason that has yet to be determined, i am having an AWFUL week-and its Tuesday!

on my faith note, i am not relying on God to provide for me as i know He will. i am telling myself i am broke, this sucks, and what am i going to do. but what am I going to do?? well goodness nothing because i can do nothing. God IS my provider and nothing will be done unless He does. God will give me what He wants, when He wants me to have it, and how He will deliver it to me.
is there were i continue to encourage myself in that ?

one of my favorite people in the world (my roommate) didn't receive a job she has long been praying about; it had been the grace of God and an extreme blessing that the job was even open to her. when i read the message this morning, one part of me thought, 'Of course...' as she had finally been getting excited about this opportunity and that things would fall in place for her, the idea is ripped up and washed down our sidewalk.
i did send her quite the message back;an encouraging message. that God would place her where He needs her most and would lead her there when the time was right. my mentor told me something this last week that stuck as well, saying that we must keep walking until the door is shut, and when it is shut, to begin walking through the next.

back to faith: seeing that God will take me and use me when, where, and how He wants me most in now on my heart. knowing that well, i don't have much money, but where i use the some that i have-use it wisely. i may not have that many friends, but the ones i am invested in-stay with them.
i may not be able to do all that i want to do, whether it being for the good of others, good of myself, or the good of the world (boo), but what God does want me to do- i must pursue that.

i think about how i wish God would spur my heart stronger for Him- and i know He does, i just have to act as well. to wake up and know that God will lead my morning, the next hour, and my entire day; to know that i will glorify Him with each action that i take and word that i speak; to know that i am His daughter and He has sent me with a mission that i will follow forever and ever.

Lord, bring my heart back to you, so that I may lead my life and others towards you until you return or bring us home.

one of a kind.

lead me to the truth and i will follow you with my whole life

this gets to me.
Lord, may you bring me to my knees and deliver the words 'I'm clean' from my sinful, human lips. may you allow my husband to see a clean, god-fearing, jesus-loving woman.

i honestly cannot express how much this song gets me. the lyrics.
i desired his attention but denied his affection... i did not think.
 
i will always confess my folly, i may just struggle confessing my love...

capture my heart again.

about that...

i realized, upon reading over some past entries, that i contradict myself. possibly i am a wandering soul... but is that what God called me to do ? if you scanned over any of this year (which is the entire blog) then you may have noticed: i admit i am a wandering soul, but also state the God has a plan that makes us not wanderers. catch it?
no, of course not. that's why i am writing this.

again, in relation to the previous post, i've learned quite a bit about dealing with either 'mistakes' or 'regrets' and admitting they have already happened, that they are God's plan, and that there is nothing i can do about it now. as to say... although i do not know what i am doing with my life and at times seem to be wandering into the gray areas of everything, God has a plan, making my 'wandering' not meaningless, but purposeful.

i actually lost my train of thought. ugh. anywho.
i'm not actually a fan of wandering at times... i like organizing, and cleanliness, and even, yes... routine. i simply need to figure things out eh? maybe what i want to study, the career path i want to take, and even if i desire to stay in this state. goodness me... so much to decide. how do the kids do it these days? oh wait... they don't. ouch sorry about that one Portland.

just because...
Dear Kelsey,
I do love you quite a lot, and think you are fantastic... Please figure your life out and realize that God should be your center, and that He will always be there for you.
Continually pray for everything and everyone around you, as if it does make a difference, even if just a little today... a little more tomorrow.
Take each moment as an opportunity; each and every situation you find yourself in will impact your future... Don't lose sight of that.
And finally, love. Do everything out of love and for the Glory of God. Love those around you, even if you don't want to; love the world around you, even if it is wicked; and above all, love your God with all your heart, mind, and soul.
-Self

let it go.

I really have nothing to say.

You know those moments when you wish you could go back and change just one thing? or maybe two? but it becomes too late and now you must continue with what has already been done.

yeah those.
i find comfort in those, knowing that God already planned it... even if i hate it now.


Thank you.

types

DISCLAIMER: this is a silly blog :)

i recently read an article about dating outside your 'type'. i asked myself, 'What IS my type?'

looking back i feel like i have been interested in pretty... 'normal' guys. but does that lead me to try extremely... odd guys? no, definitely not. the ones i find myself immediately interested in are those ones that are attractive, bright, and usually have some sort of punch to them. but then i look at the ones i have actually dated or something has progress, and none of them are that. well, that came off wrong. meaning... none of them are stand-out's and the first one noticed, etc. maybe that is just why i like them... hmm.

on a completely different note, lately i find myself 'Rob Bell-ing' aka, asking silly questions that don't have answers and answering them. but my answers are true, because i usually just ask myself questions about my own life, and not everyone's salvation. oops, did i type that out loud?

California will be returning two of my bests back to me within the next two weeks. thanks sunny state, i think we can be friends... kinda.

i listened to this multiple times today as i watched the rain hit my window...

21 days

partially inspired by my best friend's latest blog, and partially inspired by life, i feel i need a change.

I recently read, on a dorky website (High Existence: 50 Life Secrets an Tips), about numerous fun things. one mentioned that it takes 21 days to fully adjust to a new sleep cycle. and well, i am going to adjust to a new sleep cycle! i will wake up at 8 or 9 a.m. every day (despite the hours slept), do some activity, and read my bible or a book. i have 21 day!
i do hope i can stay with it. i'm bad at commitment. oh well. its a challenge right?

i also plan on working out more, eating better, and thinking more positive thoughts. my roommate has two things she says to herself before bed, when she wakes, and whenever she sees them. i tried to start it.... i find myself saying the short affirmations before bed and when i simply need to think positive thoughts–its forced. i will try harder.

i am going to make my own person this year.
this summer, will be spectacular.

I'm a wandering soul

Oh, I'm a wandering soul
I'm still walking the line
That leads me home alone

All I know
I still got mountain to climb
On my own, on my own

Do you love me enough to let me go?
To let me follow through
To let me fall for you
Do you love me enough to let me go?

Back from the dead of winter
Back from the dead and all our leaves are dry
You're so beautiful, tonight

Back from the dead we went through
Back from the dead and both our tongues are tied
You look beautiful tonight

But every seed dies before it grows

Breathe it in and let it go
Every breath you take is not your to own
It's not your to hold
Do you love me enough to let me go?

Grilled Cheesus.

its funny that an episode of Glee should spark my 'blogging' desire. but it has. this could be long.

God doesn't make mistakes. since i loved jesus and got over the idea of karma and whatever else i felt like ruled this world, i knew that God's plan was it. that what He had planned would be done. and that it would be PERFECT. nothing less. every step He has laid out has a reward; a consequence; a purpose. that excites me! knowing that the fact God deprived me of sleep last night, making me tired in the morning, leading me to the coffee shop down the street, and picking up a conversation with someone who would become a huge part of my life– is THRILLING! He made that plan. He knew what would happen. and hell yeah, He was pumped for it too.

episode 3 of season 2 of Glee, is titled 'Grilled Cheesus'–as Finn sees jesus in his grilled cheese one day. the episode continues to talk quite a bit about spirituality and God. if i hadn't already been hooked, i would be now. (and, honestly, it was delightful to see Sue Sylvester cry) it was so much more of real life than the show really is.
watching it, i was thinking wow, Finn those are the stupidiest prayers ever–but how many times have i prayed for an A+ on a test? or to win a game? i surely didn't think those were stupid. they say there are no stupid questions, well... there are no stupid prayers. although they may be silly, or even childish, that may be just what is on our hearts. what the heart thinks, the tongue speaks. and God knows that.
sometimes... i may pray for myself rather than God. selfish? maybe. but i know that He already knows my heart and knows what i am about to pray, and for me... its partially an act of acknowledgment. saying, "Hey self! This is what I am convicted of; this is what I need to change in my life; and sweet merciful Jesus, my SAVIOR, help me!"

i also felt the desire to attend a gospel church while watching the show. like... a spiritual awakening. that may be totally incorrect, but i've found that many comments i've made in my life have been incorrect and well, it happens.
still on the TV show, and Jesus, Finn thinks that maybe everyone is just wandering in life, like we are all on the same level. like he had lost his connection with God... i listened to him talk to Emma in her office and wanted to jump right onto the set and scream 'NO! God listens!'
the things he prayed for may have been silly and may have happened coincidentally, but our Creator always listens.
it should also be pointed out, (this is to you Finn and Emma) that we are not wandering souls. didn't you read earlier? there is a PLAN. rewards; consequences; PURPOSE!
if i could yell that now i would. maybe tomorrow. in my car.

approximately 3.5 years ago i met my best friend. at that time, finding herself over again and going through the roughest time of her life. she may not know this, but during the year to which she was still my 'elder' and we were getting to know each other, i looked up to her like none other. i wanted to be just like her. follow her footsteps. mainly worldly footsteps, but thats beside the point. my most vivid memories of those beginning times were seated on an old couch in a small smelly newsroom where we'd talk about boys, American Literature, and what her mother would say when she saw she had pierced her nose. i say this much too often, but i have no idea where i would be without her today. without her then, without her now. the thought of it makes me want to be sucked up my by bed and left alone. yupp. she's that important. i hope she knows that too. like that she's that person in my life where although i haven't talked to you for a week, you are still my best friend. always. we decided that together ya know? in the car one day, we realized neither of us had a BEST friend. so it became. if we were boys we  probably would have cut our hands and shook on it. but we're not. and thats nasty. we retell that story a lot. why? well, who wouldn't. its a GREAT story.
i miss her.

i'd feel i was an awful person if i said nothing more of the top 4 ladies in my life to heres to it! :)
it was really a work of God, and nothing less, when i sat across from the girl who i would see every day for the next year in good ol' Cafe D. we look back on it now and laugh that we had spoke of living together the first time we had coffee. again, works. of. God. i'd just come out of what i think was, looking back on it now, a mild depression. i was lonely. drinking. and really had nothing going for myself during the winter season. Thankfully, i got my rear in shape after sitting at that table, realizing i had no idea what i was doing with my life, and well... doing something about it. needless to say, we skipped class and worked on working out our real lives and discovered mainly one thing: God had a plan, and it was good. well actually, it was mildly shitty. but the past year, i think i've learned more from Him, her, and the world in general. and its been beyond fantastic.

i should probably keep this a secret but... i am not actually a huge fan of horses. 6 or 7 years ago my sister got bucked off one of our friends horses, i've never been the same. even though it wasn't me, thinking of it makes me pee a little. she'll read this a laugh. i feel as though i can say anything dumb, ridiculous, offensive, or even sheltered, and its okay. like she understands, or laughs and tells me the truth, or even rebukes me on it. i generally thank her, her brother, and her sister a few times a month for traveling west. it makes my heart happy. just spectacular people. this may be dorky but... sometimes she can keep me going throughout the day. encouragement, understanding, whatever, its nice to know someone is there and pushing you through. this is a thank you. even though she's already heard it. i truly, truly appreciate her listening. its wonderful. as is she.

for a few months i resorted to hating the state of California. mainly for taking my friends. but i got over it after i realized how much it was shaping them as humans. sorry California, i think i just had preconceived notions of you... anywho. i am glad she went down there. it was needed. her soul needed it. not because this is Gresham and everyone needs to get out of her at some point, but because her soul was lost. it wasn't in Gresham. i'm not sure if it knew where it was at all. one thing led to another and it found itself in CA. it wasn't lost anymore. and things are clearer. which i've loved watching. and hearing of its adventures. rewards. consequences. its glorious. i know most see her as a mother, and i try not to follow crowds but... i like looking at her like that. through those eyes. only because of her wisdom. and guidance. and the way she carries herself. like a stinkin' godly woman. just... props. when my kids don't want to come to me for advice or help, they will go to her. why? because i will tell them to.

i guess writing this much makes up for the fact it has been a month since i have 'blogged'. i like writing but at times i feel like it has to be spectacular to be 'published' but it doesn't. i am actually not even going to re-read this before i publish it. and i actually probably won't read it again for a while. but it is quite long also...

there's actually quite a bit more on my mind. like the fact i can't sleep lately. and that i'm still a workaholic. and that i have a fat test in my business class tomorrow(today) and that yes, sometimes i get nervous i won't find a husband till i'm 31.
but hey, God has a plan. and its perfect. rewards. consequences. and purpose. its perfect.

ooppss.

not that anyone is counting or caring. but i have not 'blogged' in awhile. my bad.

i'm not really very happy right now. although i have been blessed with a magnificent new job, a wonderful sister, and loving coworkers, i feel stiff.
uneasy.
unsure.
un...

love and happiness really aren't related.

Scene 64, Take 3.

i suppose i am simply called to be a wandering soul. a plan-less, goal-less, motivation-less soul.
i also suppose that sounds depressing.
i believe that if that is my soul: that i must observe some sort of life changing and shifting. something to where my current lifestyle, of purely living and trying to be comfortable, (which is simply not working out) is demolished and replaced by a new one. a lifestyle to which i am unaware of the name, and unaware of how to get there.
before writing this, i had already decided that tomorrow i would purge my belongings. i suppose that also sounds depressing. but actually, it's rather compelling; exciting; rejuvenating.

it is interesting to look at my life now and see such a different scene and act. i question if i am still participating in the same show as before, or if this one has taken just a drastic turn. i already know the answer.
i often think of being unworthy; of asking myself if i am actually 'saved' by my faith. it pressures me to analyze my actions, thoughts, and feelings about... everything. it may be a silly thought of questioning faith, but it occurs. if may also seem harsh on myself; and that i should not think that way because i AM saved, but... it does occur.
but then, it was just last week that i had a realization that 'hey, i AM saved' and felt confident that this was different than the old scene. i have truly taken a drastic turn in life where my actions, thoughts, and feelings are very different than they were before. where i once had nothing, i have everything-through Christ.
it may particularly amuse me that one night changes a life forever. very few things remained present in my life after the turning- i still drop a curse word, or make a joke, or even slip a drink, but what's behind it- is SO different.
that is the thought and feeling part; the part in life that backs up and initiates the actions. those are where i changed. those are where i am different. i am new. i have light.
a new scene in the show of life.

Esther 4:16

When Esther's words were reported to Mordecai, he sent back this answer: "Do not think that because you are in the king's house you alone of all the Jews will escape. For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father's family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?"

Then Esther sent this reply to Mordecai: "Go, gather together all the Jews who are in Susa, and fast for me. Do not eat or drink for three days, night or day. I and my maids will fast as you do. When this is done, I will go to the king even though it is against the law. And if I perish, I perish."

So Mordecai went away and carried out all of Esther's instructions.

A Story.

When I begin a story, I never start with a full idea. My writing instructor says that's the way you are suppose to write, specifically in the unconscious state, and that I do a fine job. As much as I try, I am rarely satisfied. She also says to write in the 'wounds'; very good advice if you ask me. Speaking OR writing, everyone gets fired-up and passionate about something that has hit home with them–at times, a wound. I've found that the author, is always one character in their stories. Never the main, but always there, watching the scenes go down.

My last story, I was VERY satisfied with, received a good grade, but was also hit with much discouragement on my style. Everyone's a critic.

I actually began this blog to let out all the things I normally don't write about. Or, in tonight's case, to let out the things that I cannot tell Sari because she is asleep (or simply not listening).

I always base a story off of something that I have seen; not the exact place and no specific details, but they are always very similar when I am describing them and seeing them in my head. I imagine it like the architecture they describe in the movie Inception–if I am to write too much from memory, as in exact places, then my characters will shoot back at me; my readers will begin to develop their own story with their own memories; and I will begin writing non-fiction instead of something good.

Since she doesn't read my blog, I feel it is okay to state that my current story is based inside my sister's house in Bend, OR. The first floor has the same set up as in hers, with a main living room that opens up to the kitchen. The stairwell is also placed in the same place, but because the story is set farther back in time, the stairwell is old, and spiral, and not just carpet. I wonder if she minds...

Also, since nobody reads my blog (I think, maybe Sarah... and Debbie), my last story was about the boy I am completely in love with. And in the story, which I actually posted some of below, the couple run away together to a small town that they have never been, and start new lives. Needless to say, that will never happen in my own life.

But that's why they call it fiction. And that's why I love writing it. The entire universe is at the tip of my pen.

again?

i am uneasy.
i would enjoy a comfortable place.
a nice room to stay.
somewhere to feel at home.

maybe its just uncertainty hanging around again.
we are not friends.

is it itchy in here?

i keep telling myself that many people have it worse.
many have bigger bugs.
ones that are extremely harmful.
but it's hard.
i have an itchy feeling.
every. day.

there are ants everywhere in our house.
i'm not a fan–at all.
i just killed (for lack of a better term) a SHIT-load of ants.
the worst part–they were in my bedroom.

Dear Annoying Tiny Ant Family,
Please leave our household. I'm sure there are more superior households for you to invade or you can even start your own outside. Besides, the weather is getting better.
And, we really don't like you here; you've overstayed your stay.
Please leave... Soon.
Sincerely,
Kelarithan Hauieldolz

**get it ^^ ;)

the dull effects of my suitcase.

they're stuck in a typhoon.
it carries them over and over and over again.

at times i will hide
for the fear i will be washed away with them

maybe i must hold tighter
maybe i must hold looser

the dull effects of my suitcase
are cast away

over
and over
and over again.

God's hate.

He really doesn't actually.

But I'm sure He'd pick pride. He'd always pick pride.
I listened to CJ Mahaney a few weeks ago talking about pride and humility. It was rough. Rough as in... The the first day you've repented rough. Rough as in, you're moving to a third world country with nothing to build houses rough. Rough as in, "Hey, change your whole life because God has something better."
Mahaney says, "We hate nothing like God hates pride." And that, "Pride lifts up the heart against God."
Immediately, and he said so also, I thought of everything I hate.
Silly hates:
feet
coconut
guns
motorcycles
one-way streets
Silly Bands
public restrooms

Serious hates:
one-uppers
pride
wanderers
ignorance
those who think they should lie out love...

I cannot begin to think how much God must hate pride more than I hate people who do not speak truth. Or more than I hate people who put their lives above anyone else's.
Not only is it more, but it is God's hate. His wrath! It's unimaginable to think how powerful that is.

Yet,
He loves us. He looks at our immense pride and says, "I love you. You are my children."
At times I scream out "Why? I do not deserve this love, nor will I ever."
His response amazes me every time.
Simply, "I love you. You are my child."

a noun.

–noun 1. Anatomy . a hollow, pumplike organ of blood circulation, composed mainly of rhythmically contractile smooth muscle, located in the chest between the lungs and slightly to the left and consisting of four chambers

a heart is a funny thing.
i believe that as a Christian, i have thought about, not only my heart, but hearts in general, more than ever before. how it feels, why it feels, how it categorizes what's 'most-loved' and what is, at times, put on the back burner.
there is a closed heart: one that knows what it loves, why it loves, and who it loves. this heart is also a strong heart, but so strong that it stands against all opportunities; against anything that comes before it to knock on its doors.
there is also an open heart: one that knows what it may love, hears what others love, and looks for more to love. this heart, is a vulnerable heart; bad to some, good to others. it is open to listen and open to love all that steps before it and even welcomes those who do.

as Christians, we pray for the lost; we pray that they turn to Jesus and the church; we pray that they come with open hearts and minds towards God's Word.
how often is it that we pray for our own hearts to be open and softened? how often is it that we actually have open hearts? how often is it that we truly listen to others? those who love Jesus and those who don't?
do our strong hearts say "H-no, we won't go..." or do our open hearts simply sit in love and respond in few words of interest.
i always wait for good reaction from strong/closed hearts. although, at times, my heart reacts unfortunately hard back to them...
they may say, "No, that is wrong–this is right." i may respond with "Well, that is your opinion, maybe you are right."
who wins?
no one.

do you love me?

a small piece.

This is the beginning of a short story I recently wrote. It is not actually the best part, but all in all, I still received an A+, and that must say something right?

p.s. It is called The Look, for reasons you'll have to read the rest for. 

 

We saw it on Friday on the road to Thompsonville, the wicker love seat, right out there, straddling the centerline. The car was already packed full of everything we owned but, with the look we gave each other upon seeing the chair, he instantly pulled the car over.

“Isn’t that like the one you saw back home?”

We had hit the road a few days ago with no plans, no places to stay, and practically no money, but we knew we couldn’t stay in the same town forever. We had decided that long before we’d gotten married and even before he’d finally asked me out on a date. I had told him one day, before marriage, that I’d always wanted a chair of sort on the porch or deck area. That I had dreamt of growing up with one, having that perfect movie moment on your parent’s porch with the boy that you loved, all while your parents thought you were asleep in your bed.

He’d laughed when I’d told him that. We both knew we had nothing like the movie love story. He never fails in thanking me for the day I called him up to tell him that I loved him. We both knew he didn’t have the balls to do it himself back then and the only way it was happening between us was if I spit it out. Needless to say, he made the next move after that. I’ve taught him to be more assertive since then, and he’s working on it. 

As he strapped the chair to the top of the car I realized how hungry I was and how in the middle of nowhere we were. Our last gas station stop had been over a hundred miles back and all we’d been looking at out our windows was a brown earth. The dust from the sides of the road had slowly covered our car during our journey and at our coffee stop this morning I watched a young child write the words “WASH ME” on our side window. I imagined they would be swallowed up by another four hours of flying filth.

He had been telling me a story about picking up a table one time with his friends during college, that they had found on the side of the road also, but I wasn’t able to focus over the sudden sounds of in my stomach. He stepped back into the car with a chuckle at the rumbling in the passenger seat and gave me a sideways smile before turning the car back on.

“Babe, I’m starving. Do we have anything?” My whiney voice usually doubled as sweetness.

“You always underestimate me don’t you…?" He followed this with his signature ‘can’t tell if he’s joking or not’ smile.

I realized he wasn’t when he reached back into our disaster of clothing to pull out two sandwiches he’d made that morning and a bag of spicy Doritos.

He did surprise me.

Friday The Twenty Eighth

This afternoon, as I left my job at the spa, I told three of the girls in the front "Love you! Have a wonderful day!"
Carri, who has become one of my favorite people, said "Oh honey! Love you too."
She is spectacular.
I know, truly know, that God placed her in my life with extreme purpose. Her heart and life inspire my soul daily. It is wonderful.
Today, how she reacted, just made my heart so glad.
I'm not sure if it was God's love and passion through me that made her so happy in turn, but I do like to hope that's what it was.
I do hope those around me see something different in the way I love people and not just a nice face or smile.
I do hope they see Jesus.

oh, hello world.

i should start a blog. my bff always said i should. tonight is the night i guess.

an unusual beginning, yes, but it follows my idea of uncertainty. my reality is generally uncertain. i do not know what tomorrow brings, or if next week brings a promotion or new interview. the only thing to really be certain of is God. His unceasing love for His children. His grace and mercy over us. His constant presence. He knows what will happen tomorrow; He knows where i will work; He knows because it is His plan.

although i am uncertain of reality and what it holds, i am certain in God and what He holds for me. and that will always be good enough for me.