on my mind.

this too.

this has also become my song of the year. Lord may you seriously have mercy on my rough and rowdy ways...

2012

i missed a month didn't i? sorry december, you were too busy, too chaotic, and i was obviously too lazy.

i thought about writing down some "new year's resolutions" but... i may just reflect.
2011 was a ridiculous year. i lived in three houses, had two jobs, and did lots of stupid things. i do not regret any of it. some of them were stupid, idiotic things and situations that should have been avoided but happened anyway or i did nothing to prevent them. but i learned something all the more.
i have been focusing on protecting my heart throughout the entire year actually because i realized that it was actually deeply hurt from one relationship. i learned that not everyone i 'date' should i be open and honest with–actually all people in general. i am learner to be safer, but take risks when i know it's right. i ask God everyday if this is what i am suppose to be doing with my life and pray he responds with a yes. when he doesn't respond... i seek the world. which is awful. i pray in 2012 that when he doesn't respond, i ask again.
i pray i am kinder. and more truthful. that i treat my best friends like they are kings and queens and everyone i meet as they are children of God. that i pour the love of Jesus onto people;into every situation. at work. at church. in my house. that i would glorify the Lord with my whole heart, mind, and soul.

and that i would encourage others to do the same. it would be nice to be a great influence in someone's life with Jesus. in them getting there. and being able to set an example of what God desires us to be–in His image! i could scream that all day. we are in His image, we are in His image!

the last few months of holiday period have been filled with a lot of hurt, and disaster, and just... not joyful things. i pray i can see the joy in everything, especially in the most difficult of times. that i see God's light through the darkness (as cliche as that may sound). that i can just seriously be drenched in God's love and glory and mercy that he continually puts on us.
may we all see God's light and follow his son.

Thank you Jesus, for showing me that even though I suck every single day, and continue to fail your Father, that you still love me. That you still treat me as a sister and daughter. That you continue to bless my life more than I ever deserve and could have ever imagined. Help me to love you more each day and yearn for knowledge through your Word.

time.

time could be an issue. but so could five years.

one of my favorite people told me this evening that they would marry in five years. she then gave me a 'shiiiit' look and said "That's a long time!"
before gracing me with this fact, she laid a disclaimer than is was neither her nor God, nor was it neither. it was a simple feeling. whether she liked it or not, she felt that five years would be the time.
i am encouraged by her confidence. that she would persevere even if everyone surrounding her married, and that she would not feel rushed. her time would be valued in a single, god loving way.

it is interestingly awful that we feel rushed. but we do. regardless we grew up a littler faster than most, but when did the generational change occur where getting married before 21 was just what happened? when did 30 become old? (not saying that it is...)
CLARIFICATION--i would never, my goodness, never bash couples getting married before 21. many of my best friends are in that boat or have been married already. and they are truly fantastic. they should be married. when the time is right, the couple knows, and their time was early :)
i do hope it is not because they are rushed though. or pressured. i get nervous if that is the case.

enough of that.

Lord- thank you for patience, perseverance, and being able to listen. thank you for listening to us as well, even when we have no idea what we are talking about- which is most often.

heated.

Lord–
i am mad. heated. upset. in rage. grr.
and i do not want to be!

I do apologize for yelling in the car. and letting awful things off my tongue. but you understand... right?
that i am not okay. my heart hurts. i may have been a hurter and now mine hurts.

i feel like a movie– the daughter yelling at her protector: "What are you going to do about it!?!"
what are you going to do to heal my heart. what are you going to do to make it easier. what are you going to do to help me forgive.

what am i going to do about it.

wives to your husbands

last night when i drove home i thought about my future husband. i pray and hope and wish that whoever he may be with now, or whatever he is doing with his life, is preparing him for marriage. and i pray the same for myself.

i also realized i need to send out an apology. an apology to those men that i have not prepared well for their future marriages. some haven't helped their situation, but others... they deserved better. to be prepped for their future and their wife.

wives- i am sorry. although i may never meet any of you, i apologize that i did not treat your husbands as brothers and prepare them for your love and marriage. i pray that you are treating your current men as brothers and praying for their wives as well.

forgiveness is key.

back to you.

for some reason i am being extremely 'faithless'. in many thing! it truly sounds quite awful as i type it now... but i am encouraging myself in that i can continue on, gain my faith back, and pursue the life that God has for me.
i had felt so secure and content in where i was and now it is almost being ripped for my feet this week.
a slight preface- i am living in an amazing house, with amazing roommates, found an amazing car, and still working in my amazing spa, and will be starting amazing school in January.
but for a reason that has yet to be determined, i am having an AWFUL week-and its Tuesday!

on my faith note, i am not relying on God to provide for me as i know He will. i am telling myself i am broke, this sucks, and what am i going to do. but what am I going to do?? well goodness nothing because i can do nothing. God IS my provider and nothing will be done unless He does. God will give me what He wants, when He wants me to have it, and how He will deliver it to me.
is there were i continue to encourage myself in that ?

one of my favorite people in the world (my roommate) didn't receive a job she has long been praying about; it had been the grace of God and an extreme blessing that the job was even open to her. when i read the message this morning, one part of me thought, 'Of course...' as she had finally been getting excited about this opportunity and that things would fall in place for her, the idea is ripped up and washed down our sidewalk.
i did send her quite the message back;an encouraging message. that God would place her where He needs her most and would lead her there when the time was right. my mentor told me something this last week that stuck as well, saying that we must keep walking until the door is shut, and when it is shut, to begin walking through the next.

back to faith: seeing that God will take me and use me when, where, and how He wants me most in now on my heart. knowing that well, i don't have much money, but where i use the some that i have-use it wisely. i may not have that many friends, but the ones i am invested in-stay with them.
i may not be able to do all that i want to do, whether it being for the good of others, good of myself, or the good of the world (boo), but what God does want me to do- i must pursue that.

i think about how i wish God would spur my heart stronger for Him- and i know He does, i just have to act as well. to wake up and know that God will lead my morning, the next hour, and my entire day; to know that i will glorify Him with each action that i take and word that i speak; to know that i am His daughter and He has sent me with a mission that i will follow forever and ever.

Lord, bring my heart back to you, so that I may lead my life and others towards you until you return or bring us home.