Scene 64, Take 3.

i suppose i am simply called to be a wandering soul. a plan-less, goal-less, motivation-less soul.
i also suppose that sounds depressing.
i believe that if that is my soul: that i must observe some sort of life changing and shifting. something to where my current lifestyle, of purely living and trying to be comfortable, (which is simply not working out) is demolished and replaced by a new one. a lifestyle to which i am unaware of the name, and unaware of how to get there.
before writing this, i had already decided that tomorrow i would purge my belongings. i suppose that also sounds depressing. but actually, it's rather compelling; exciting; rejuvenating.

it is interesting to look at my life now and see such a different scene and act. i question if i am still participating in the same show as before, or if this one has taken just a drastic turn. i already know the answer.
i often think of being unworthy; of asking myself if i am actually 'saved' by my faith. it pressures me to analyze my actions, thoughts, and feelings about... everything. it may be a silly thought of questioning faith, but it occurs. if may also seem harsh on myself; and that i should not think that way because i AM saved, but... it does occur.
but then, it was just last week that i had a realization that 'hey, i AM saved' and felt confident that this was different than the old scene. i have truly taken a drastic turn in life where my actions, thoughts, and feelings are very different than they were before. where i once had nothing, i have everything-through Christ.
it may particularly amuse me that one night changes a life forever. very few things remained present in my life after the turning- i still drop a curse word, or make a joke, or even slip a drink, but what's behind it- is SO different.
that is the thought and feeling part; the part in life that backs up and initiates the actions. those are where i changed. those are where i am different. i am new. i have light.
a new scene in the show of life.