Grilled Cheesus.

its funny that an episode of Glee should spark my 'blogging' desire. but it has. this could be long.

God doesn't make mistakes. since i loved jesus and got over the idea of karma and whatever else i felt like ruled this world, i knew that God's plan was it. that what He had planned would be done. and that it would be PERFECT. nothing less. every step He has laid out has a reward; a consequence; a purpose. that excites me! knowing that the fact God deprived me of sleep last night, making me tired in the morning, leading me to the coffee shop down the street, and picking up a conversation with someone who would become a huge part of my life– is THRILLING! He made that plan. He knew what would happen. and hell yeah, He was pumped for it too.

episode 3 of season 2 of Glee, is titled 'Grilled Cheesus'–as Finn sees jesus in his grilled cheese one day. the episode continues to talk quite a bit about spirituality and God. if i hadn't already been hooked, i would be now. (and, honestly, it was delightful to see Sue Sylvester cry) it was so much more of real life than the show really is.
watching it, i was thinking wow, Finn those are the stupidiest prayers ever–but how many times have i prayed for an A+ on a test? or to win a game? i surely didn't think those were stupid. they say there are no stupid questions, well... there are no stupid prayers. although they may be silly, or even childish, that may be just what is on our hearts. what the heart thinks, the tongue speaks. and God knows that.
sometimes... i may pray for myself rather than God. selfish? maybe. but i know that He already knows my heart and knows what i am about to pray, and for me... its partially an act of acknowledgment. saying, "Hey self! This is what I am convicted of; this is what I need to change in my life; and sweet merciful Jesus, my SAVIOR, help me!"

i also felt the desire to attend a gospel church while watching the show. like... a spiritual awakening. that may be totally incorrect, but i've found that many comments i've made in my life have been incorrect and well, it happens.
still on the TV show, and Jesus, Finn thinks that maybe everyone is just wandering in life, like we are all on the same level. like he had lost his connection with God... i listened to him talk to Emma in her office and wanted to jump right onto the set and scream 'NO! God listens!'
the things he prayed for may have been silly and may have happened coincidentally, but our Creator always listens.
it should also be pointed out, (this is to you Finn and Emma) that we are not wandering souls. didn't you read earlier? there is a PLAN. rewards; consequences; PURPOSE!
if i could yell that now i would. maybe tomorrow. in my car.

approximately 3.5 years ago i met my best friend. at that time, finding herself over again and going through the roughest time of her life. she may not know this, but during the year to which she was still my 'elder' and we were getting to know each other, i looked up to her like none other. i wanted to be just like her. follow her footsteps. mainly worldly footsteps, but thats beside the point. my most vivid memories of those beginning times were seated on an old couch in a small smelly newsroom where we'd talk about boys, American Literature, and what her mother would say when she saw she had pierced her nose. i say this much too often, but i have no idea where i would be without her today. without her then, without her now. the thought of it makes me want to be sucked up my by bed and left alone. yupp. she's that important. i hope she knows that too. like that she's that person in my life where although i haven't talked to you for a week, you are still my best friend. always. we decided that together ya know? in the car one day, we realized neither of us had a BEST friend. so it became. if we were boys we  probably would have cut our hands and shook on it. but we're not. and thats nasty. we retell that story a lot. why? well, who wouldn't. its a GREAT story.
i miss her.

i'd feel i was an awful person if i said nothing more of the top 4 ladies in my life to heres to it! :)
it was really a work of God, and nothing less, when i sat across from the girl who i would see every day for the next year in good ol' Cafe D. we look back on it now and laugh that we had spoke of living together the first time we had coffee. again, works. of. God. i'd just come out of what i think was, looking back on it now, a mild depression. i was lonely. drinking. and really had nothing going for myself during the winter season. Thankfully, i got my rear in shape after sitting at that table, realizing i had no idea what i was doing with my life, and well... doing something about it. needless to say, we skipped class and worked on working out our real lives and discovered mainly one thing: God had a plan, and it was good. well actually, it was mildly shitty. but the past year, i think i've learned more from Him, her, and the world in general. and its been beyond fantastic.

i should probably keep this a secret but... i am not actually a huge fan of horses. 6 or 7 years ago my sister got bucked off one of our friends horses, i've never been the same. even though it wasn't me, thinking of it makes me pee a little. she'll read this a laugh. i feel as though i can say anything dumb, ridiculous, offensive, or even sheltered, and its okay. like she understands, or laughs and tells me the truth, or even rebukes me on it. i generally thank her, her brother, and her sister a few times a month for traveling west. it makes my heart happy. just spectacular people. this may be dorky but... sometimes she can keep me going throughout the day. encouragement, understanding, whatever, its nice to know someone is there and pushing you through. this is a thank you. even though she's already heard it. i truly, truly appreciate her listening. its wonderful. as is she.

for a few months i resorted to hating the state of California. mainly for taking my friends. but i got over it after i realized how much it was shaping them as humans. sorry California, i think i just had preconceived notions of you... anywho. i am glad she went down there. it was needed. her soul needed it. not because this is Gresham and everyone needs to get out of her at some point, but because her soul was lost. it wasn't in Gresham. i'm not sure if it knew where it was at all. one thing led to another and it found itself in CA. it wasn't lost anymore. and things are clearer. which i've loved watching. and hearing of its adventures. rewards. consequences. its glorious. i know most see her as a mother, and i try not to follow crowds but... i like looking at her like that. through those eyes. only because of her wisdom. and guidance. and the way she carries herself. like a stinkin' godly woman. just... props. when my kids don't want to come to me for advice or help, they will go to her. why? because i will tell them to.

i guess writing this much makes up for the fact it has been a month since i have 'blogged'. i like writing but at times i feel like it has to be spectacular to be 'published' but it doesn't. i am actually not even going to re-read this before i publish it. and i actually probably won't read it again for a while. but it is quite long also...

there's actually quite a bit more on my mind. like the fact i can't sleep lately. and that i'm still a workaholic. and that i have a fat test in my business class tomorrow(today) and that yes, sometimes i get nervous i won't find a husband till i'm 31.
but hey, God has a plan. and its perfect. rewards. consequences. and purpose. its perfect.