again?

i am uneasy.
i would enjoy a comfortable place.
a nice room to stay.
somewhere to feel at home.

maybe its just uncertainty hanging around again.
we are not friends.

is it itchy in here?

i keep telling myself that many people have it worse.
many have bigger bugs.
ones that are extremely harmful.
but it's hard.
i have an itchy feeling.
every. day.

there are ants everywhere in our house.
i'm not a fan–at all.
i just killed (for lack of a better term) a SHIT-load of ants.
the worst part–they were in my bedroom.

Dear Annoying Tiny Ant Family,
Please leave our household. I'm sure there are more superior households for you to invade or you can even start your own outside. Besides, the weather is getting better.
And, we really don't like you here; you've overstayed your stay.
Please leave... Soon.
Sincerely,
Kelarithan Hauieldolz

**get it ^^ ;)

the dull effects of my suitcase.

they're stuck in a typhoon.
it carries them over and over and over again.

at times i will hide
for the fear i will be washed away with them

maybe i must hold tighter
maybe i must hold looser

the dull effects of my suitcase
are cast away

over
and over
and over again.

God's hate.

He really doesn't actually.

But I'm sure He'd pick pride. He'd always pick pride.
I listened to CJ Mahaney a few weeks ago talking about pride and humility. It was rough. Rough as in... The the first day you've repented rough. Rough as in, you're moving to a third world country with nothing to build houses rough. Rough as in, "Hey, change your whole life because God has something better."
Mahaney says, "We hate nothing like God hates pride." And that, "Pride lifts up the heart against God."
Immediately, and he said so also, I thought of everything I hate.
Silly hates:
feet
coconut
guns
motorcycles
one-way streets
Silly Bands
public restrooms

Serious hates:
one-uppers
pride
wanderers
ignorance
those who think they should lie out love...

I cannot begin to think how much God must hate pride more than I hate people who do not speak truth. Or more than I hate people who put their lives above anyone else's.
Not only is it more, but it is God's hate. His wrath! It's unimaginable to think how powerful that is.

Yet,
He loves us. He looks at our immense pride and says, "I love you. You are my children."
At times I scream out "Why? I do not deserve this love, nor will I ever."
His response amazes me every time.
Simply, "I love you. You are my child."

a noun.

–noun 1. Anatomy . a hollow, pumplike organ of blood circulation, composed mainly of rhythmically contractile smooth muscle, located in the chest between the lungs and slightly to the left and consisting of four chambers

a heart is a funny thing.
i believe that as a Christian, i have thought about, not only my heart, but hearts in general, more than ever before. how it feels, why it feels, how it categorizes what's 'most-loved' and what is, at times, put on the back burner.
there is a closed heart: one that knows what it loves, why it loves, and who it loves. this heart is also a strong heart, but so strong that it stands against all opportunities; against anything that comes before it to knock on its doors.
there is also an open heart: one that knows what it may love, hears what others love, and looks for more to love. this heart, is a vulnerable heart; bad to some, good to others. it is open to listen and open to love all that steps before it and even welcomes those who do.

as Christians, we pray for the lost; we pray that they turn to Jesus and the church; we pray that they come with open hearts and minds towards God's Word.
how often is it that we pray for our own hearts to be open and softened? how often is it that we actually have open hearts? how often is it that we truly listen to others? those who love Jesus and those who don't?
do our strong hearts say "H-no, we won't go..." or do our open hearts simply sit in love and respond in few words of interest.
i always wait for good reaction from strong/closed hearts. although, at times, my heart reacts unfortunately hard back to them...
they may say, "No, that is wrong–this is right." i may respond with "Well, that is your opinion, maybe you are right."
who wins?
no one.

do you love me?

a small piece.

This is the beginning of a short story I recently wrote. It is not actually the best part, but all in all, I still received an A+, and that must say something right?

p.s. It is called The Look, for reasons you'll have to read the rest for. 

 

We saw it on Friday on the road to Thompsonville, the wicker love seat, right out there, straddling the centerline. The car was already packed full of everything we owned but, with the look we gave each other upon seeing the chair, he instantly pulled the car over.

“Isn’t that like the one you saw back home?”

We had hit the road a few days ago with no plans, no places to stay, and practically no money, but we knew we couldn’t stay in the same town forever. We had decided that long before we’d gotten married and even before he’d finally asked me out on a date. I had told him one day, before marriage, that I’d always wanted a chair of sort on the porch or deck area. That I had dreamt of growing up with one, having that perfect movie moment on your parent’s porch with the boy that you loved, all while your parents thought you were asleep in your bed.

He’d laughed when I’d told him that. We both knew we had nothing like the movie love story. He never fails in thanking me for the day I called him up to tell him that I loved him. We both knew he didn’t have the balls to do it himself back then and the only way it was happening between us was if I spit it out. Needless to say, he made the next move after that. I’ve taught him to be more assertive since then, and he’s working on it. 

As he strapped the chair to the top of the car I realized how hungry I was and how in the middle of nowhere we were. Our last gas station stop had been over a hundred miles back and all we’d been looking at out our windows was a brown earth. The dust from the sides of the road had slowly covered our car during our journey and at our coffee stop this morning I watched a young child write the words “WASH ME” on our side window. I imagined they would be swallowed up by another four hours of flying filth.

He had been telling me a story about picking up a table one time with his friends during college, that they had found on the side of the road also, but I wasn’t able to focus over the sudden sounds of in my stomach. He stepped back into the car with a chuckle at the rumbling in the passenger seat and gave me a sideways smile before turning the car back on.

“Babe, I’m starving. Do we have anything?” My whiney voice usually doubled as sweetness.

“You always underestimate me don’t you…?" He followed this with his signature ‘can’t tell if he’s joking or not’ smile.

I realized he wasn’t when he reached back into our disaster of clothing to pull out two sandwiches he’d made that morning and a bag of spicy Doritos.

He did surprise me.

Friday The Twenty Eighth

This afternoon, as I left my job at the spa, I told three of the girls in the front "Love you! Have a wonderful day!"
Carri, who has become one of my favorite people, said "Oh honey! Love you too."
She is spectacular.
I know, truly know, that God placed her in my life with extreme purpose. Her heart and life inspire my soul daily. It is wonderful.
Today, how she reacted, just made my heart so glad.
I'm not sure if it was God's love and passion through me that made her so happy in turn, but I do like to hope that's what it was.
I do hope those around me see something different in the way I love people and not just a nice face or smile.
I do hope they see Jesus.

oh, hello world.

i should start a blog. my bff always said i should. tonight is the night i guess.

an unusual beginning, yes, but it follows my idea of uncertainty. my reality is generally uncertain. i do not know what tomorrow brings, or if next week brings a promotion or new interview. the only thing to really be certain of is God. His unceasing love for His children. His grace and mercy over us. His constant presence. He knows what will happen tomorrow; He knows where i will work; He knows because it is His plan.

although i am uncertain of reality and what it holds, i am certain in God and what He holds for me. and that will always be good enough for me.